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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25578448">a thousand little broken things</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaRays/pseuds/FreyaRays'>FreyaRays</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Killua, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:28:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,584</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25578448</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaRays/pseuds/FreyaRays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua was crying. Hot tears pouring down his cheeks in an unstoppable waterfall. His nose was running too, how fucking embarrassing. It seemed for like the first time in his life, he was letting his emotions show.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. chapter one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please call 1-800-273-8255 if you are having any of these thoughts and are in the US  (ily guys stay safe)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Killua was crying. Hot tears pouring down his cheeks in an unstoppable waterfall. His nose was running too, how fucking embarrassing. It seemed for like the first time in his life, he was letting his emotions show. Of fucking course it was after Gon had left. How many times had Gon and Leorio pleaded with him to show his emotions?</p><p> Let them out, Leorio always said, whenever Killua came to him for advice, you’ll feel so much better.  But it was too late, Gon had left. Maybe for good and all because of him. Everything was his fault. As it always was. It was always always his fault. He messed up a mission, he wanted to make sure Gon lived, and everything blew up in his face. </p><p>He had already lost Gon once for a few years and those were some of the loneliest times of his life. He had Akulla of course but it wasn’t the same. He was always watching, hovering, making sure Illumi wasn’t too close and able to snatch her up. He had to make sure that her powers weren’t exposed and that they stayed on the run. Always two steps ahead. </p><p>Was Gon coming back? He had yelled and screamed at the dark haired boy. He could feel his throat getting sore from a mixture of yelling and sobbing. Why is anger the only emotion I’m capable of showing? He should text Leorio. Or Kurapika. They would know what to do. Oh, so you can be more of a burden to everyone around you? a voice in his head says. At that thought, Killua let out a strangled cry. He was useless. A burden. A disgusting tainted thing. Unable to do anything right. He had chased Gon away. He didn’t deserve love. </p><p>He rolled over in their bed. </p><p>They had fought for the millionth time over Killua being unable to express his emotions. Illumi's voice had echoed in his head. You're just a killer, unable to hold anyone dear. He could hear his older brother's laughter over him thinking that he could ever have a friend, much less a boyfriend. </p><p>He was right. His brother was always right. Even though he hadn't killed anyone in years he still was suffering. He was making Gon suffer. That's all he was capable of, making people suffer and run away from him. </p><p>He just said he needed to get so air, the last logical part of his brain whispered. </p><p>Killua grabbed a pillow, desperate, used it to muffle his sobs. Gon was leaving, he didn't need him, and he wasn't going to come back. Killua's brain was moving a million miles an hour, trying to figure a way out of this that didn't involve him manipulating Gon. All he could think of were desperate, hurtful ideas. </p><p>God, he wasn't even capable of coming up with one lousy way to not hurt the man he loved? Let go, said a voice in his head, let all of it go. Die so that he can live happily.  This wasn't the first time that he had thought something like that. Not even the hundredth. After all isn't that what love is, being willing to die so that others are happy? </p><p>He knew deep down in his gut that that wasn't what love is. But he had no space for that right now. It didn't fix the current problem. Or any of his problems, really. But he wanted to live with Gon forever. But if Gon wasn’t coming back - another sob racked his body - then he couldn’t have that anyway. But if he died he wouldn’t have to worry about killing or hurting anyone ever again. His hand would never be forced. A feeling of calm settled over him. With that his mind was made up. </p><p>To die was the only answer. The only good answer, anyway. </p><p>His claws came out on their own accord. The clock read 2:03 am. He should probably apologize to Alluka for what he was about to do. Losing her big brother was not going to be easy for her. He didn't want to tip her off, however. He stared blankly at his hands. The logical part of his brain was trying to fight the irrational part. But wasn’t that part of his brain just as irrational? Trying to keep him alive at all costs? The clock read 2:27 am. Instead of reaching for his phone, to call Akulla or text Leorio, he dug his claws into his arm and drug them down the length of his arm, then across his stomach. </p><p>He stopped a moment to relish in the pain. It felt so good and yet so bad at the same time. He finally could breathe. He felt a sense of ecstacy at the sight of his own blood. He it knew was only caused by his body trying not to make him feel like he wasn't in agony. </p><p>He swiped at his other arm, weaker this time, from blood loss and pain. </p><p>He lay there for a while his consciousness got increasingly fuzzy. Almost like he was drunk, but so much better. Just so nice and soft at the edges even though he was getting so, so cold. </p><p>He didn't even process the sound of the door opening, or the sound of footsteps pounding, running, towards him. </p><p>He saw a flash of light and then a horrified gasp filled the air, "Killua!" </p><p>A pair of beautiful doe eyes appeared above him. They were filled with horror, there was a wet sensation on his face, like raindrops. It didn’t make him happy like rain normal did. “Gon,” he said. Then everything went dark.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. chapter two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gon had run all the way to the grocery store, after he and Killua’s fight.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gon had run all the way to the grocery store, after he and Killua’s fight. It was 1 am and he had to run for an hour to find a store that was open. He didn’t really want to leave Killua alone, he got worried about what the white-haired boy thought sometimes, especially with the way that he looked at him as Gon had left. But he had needed to blow off steam so that they wouldn’t yell at each other anymore. It was ultimately less hurtful in the long run if he went to decompress a bit. </p>
<p>As he walked into the store, getting blasted by the AC, he tried to make a mental list of what he should buy. Maybe he should get chocolate milk as a peace offering for Killua. So they could talk about this calmly, like adults. What adults? You’re only 17. He sighed, he really wanted his relationship with Killua to work. He loved him, but just wished that he would actually tell him when something was wrong.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Gon was about 10 feet away from his apartment when he first smelled blood. Immediately his senses went on high alerts. A ball formed in his stomach. Something was telling him that he needed to check on Killua. That’s silly, he thought, Killua is more than capable of taking care of himself.  He walked up to his apartment promising himself that he would check out the source of the blood after putting the groceries away.</p>
<p>Only… the smell of blood was getting stronger as he approached his apartment. Frantically trying to fit his key into the lock, his mind was spinning. Please don’t be Killua, please whatever gods are out there. </p>
<p>As he opened the door he was hit by a wave of the metallic sent. “Killua?” he said. No response. His heart was in the back of his throat, Gon was trying desperately not to throw up. He dropped the bags he was carrying and they hit the ground with a thud as he sprinted towards their bedroom, leaving the door ajar.</p>
<p>His heart stutters to a stop when he sees what’s waiting for him there. Killua, his beautiful Killua, was laying in a pool of his own blood, his blue eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Jagged wounds where what seemed like everywhere on this body. Was Killua attacked? There was so much blood. So so much blood. </p>
<p>Gon didn’t remember kneeling by the bed, but all of the sudden he was so much closer to him and heard someone say Killua and oh my god he had to stop the bleeding, he had to call 911 he-</p>
<p>“Gon,” Killua rasped, he seemed like he was trying to grab Gon but then his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he went slack. </p>
<p>“Killua!” Gon desperately reached for his phone trying to hold himself together. If they couldn’t understand him, they couldn’t help Killua. He doesn’t remember what he said -he was too busy trying to get a towel to stop the bleeding- but he remembers hearing that an ambulance was on its way. And to check his pulse. It was there but only barely and he wondered if his last words to his love were going to be ones of anger. He could feel his chest heaving and his hands were covered in blood and suddenly there were people in uniforms moving him away from Killua and he screamed and his mind was going Killua Killua Killua he couldn’t leave him alone, what if he died? What was Gon supposed to do? </p>
<p>He climbed into the ambulance with Killua, not necessarily calmer but numb.  His boyfriend had been attacked. He was barely alive. He hoped to god he lived because he didn’t know what he would do without him by his side. </p>
<p>As they pulled out of their apartment complex, Gon put his head in his hands and sobbed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. chapter three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gon was staring blankly at the wall in the waiting room.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gon was staring blankly at the wall in the waiting room. Killua was in surgery. He wondered idly if the anesthesia would even work, or the pain meds for that matter. God please let the pain meds work, Killua doesn't need anymore pain. </p><p>He looked down at his hands and realized that despite washing them until they were bright red that he still had blood in his fingernails. His head snapped up, his stomach feeling like it was caving in and he struggled to catch his breath for a second. He figured he should try and focus on something else but all he could see every time he closed his eyes was Killua’s bloody body. </p><p>Gon wasn’t necessarily religious, not after everything that he had been through, but tonight he was praying to every god he could think of that they please just keep him alive. </p><p>How had he even been attacked? Killua was so strong and powerful, unlike Gon who was nen-less and weakened. He still couldn’t shake the gut feeling that it should have been him. Or that if he had been there things would be different. Killua wouldn’t be hurt. He told himself that he should stop blaming himself but it didn’t help. </p><p>The door to the private waiting room opened and in ran Alluka, Gon stood and Alluka crushed his lungs in a bear hug. “I’m sorry,” he said. As he buried his head in the crook of her neck. </p><p>“It’s not your fault,” Akulla replied automatically. </p><p>“But if I had-” </p><p>“No buts.” With that Gon started crying and Alluka started rubbing his back to comfort him. He felt like shit. This was her brother they were talking about, and here he was receiving comfort from her. No. more than that. Killua was her savior, the reason why she wasn’t still locked in a dark hole with no way out. With that thought he pulled away, he didn’t deserve her comfort right now, he was supposed to be the one comforting her. </p><p>When he pulled away he realized there was a wet spot on his shirt where her head had been. It hit him how serious this was if Akulla was there. She went to a boarding school not too far away from their apartment (she had claimed to need some form of independence from Killua). And considering it was fuck all o’clock in the morning, she proved to him that this was real. Killua was hurt. This wasn’t some twisted nightmare that he would wake up from. </p><p>He almost broke down again. “Do you know if Kurapika and Leorio are on their way?” He asked. He was pretty sure that he had asked the nurse to call them as well. Honestly he didn’t remember much outside of the terror he was feeling. The door opened again and this time there was a nurse in scrubs standing in the doorway. </p><p>“Are you here for Killua Zoldyck?” the nurse asked. </p><p>“Yes, ma’am,” Alluka said.<br/>
“Killua is resting, everything went well.” </p><p>Gon felt like he could breathe again. Alluka started crying again. </p><p>“You can go see him around 8 o’clock, and I recommend that you go home and get some sleep,” the nurse said with a smile. Then walked away. </p><p>Gon’s bed was covered in blood. He couldn’t and wouldn’t go home. Not while Killua was here, he promised that they would always stay together and he wasn’t about to break that promise now. Akulla stood, “You want some coffee?” she asked. </p><p>“Since when do you drink coffee?” It really had been too long since he had last seen Akulla, although year-round intensive boarding schools tend to cut down on one’s free time. </p><p>“Since midterms last year.” She went to go get coffee after taking his order. </p><p>When she got back, they danced around the elephant in the room by making small talk, or by saying nothing at all. Leorio appeared an hour after the nurse did, and Kurpikia called two hours after that to ask how he was doing. Gon couldn't answer, so Leorio did. </p><p>He missed Killua.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. chapter four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Killua became aware of this throbbing all across his body.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to Cia for the beta!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Killua became aware of this throbbing all across his body. Was he in hell? He didn’t think that heaven would hurt this much. In truth, he expected nothing but darkness to envelop him, for him to never return, for him to simply cease to exist. </p>
<p>But no. There was pain suffocating him from every angle. He struggled to open his eyes as he  was met with a blinding light. The room came into focus: bright white walls and ceiling tiles, and himself, with thick leather straps attached around each pale wrists. Although, his wrists weren’t normally that pale. Wait no- those were bandages. </p>
<p>He was alive. </p>
<p>He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach by his dad, like he was six years old all over again. His lungs were trying desperately to take in more air. He felt that he was drowning. He heard this irritating beep beep beep, that was steadily getting faster and faster, that was all he could hear over the sound of the blood rushing through his veins. The realization suddenly hit him.</p>
<p>He had failed. </p>
<p>He let out a heartbreaking sob as he struggled to catch his breath. He was truly a failure in everything. What kind of ex-assassin didn’t know how to kill himself? What kind of fucking idiot was he? Oh God. </p>
<p>Oh God. Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it. </p>
<p>He was going to have to look his sister and Gon in the eye and explain. </p>
<p>This thought did not help his breathing in the slightest, and the beep of the machine was going so fast now. Killua really wanted to break it. He tried to move and cover his ears, but pain shot out of his stomach to every square inch of his body.  There were people in his room. Strangers. All rushing towards him, hands reaching for him. Was this a nightmare? There was no chance any of this, that he, was real. They stuck a needle into his arm as if he wasn’t just laying there hyperventilating. </p>
<p>Then, Gon appeared in the doorway. He could only see a sliver of black hair and green shorts through all the people surrounding him. He could vaguely hear Gon calling his name, but it sounded like his head was underwater. He watched as Gon pushed his way through the people, all the while seeming to tell them something about Killua. Killua  focused on his those doe eyes and how desperate they seemed. Eventually,people started filing out of the room, and Gon took his hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. </p>
<p>“Hey Killua, can you breathe as I count? For me?” Gon started holding up his fingers, putting them down one at a time, and gradually Killua’s breathing slowed. His eyes felt so heavy. He blinked slowly, one, two, three, times and then was out. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Killua woke up to the beeping of the heart monitor. </p>
<p>He had failed. </p>
<p>He felt like crying all over again, but somehow he managed to hold it in. He glanced down towards the pressure on his legs and saw both Gon and Alluka with their heads on either side of the hospital bed. The cuffs were gone. He moved his hand towards Alluka’s head to comfort her, and to say that he was sorry in the only way he knew how to without sobbing. Instead, a few silent tears rolled down his cheeks as he pet her head. He felt movement on Gon’s side of the bed and looked over. Sure enough, Killua’s boyfriend was stirring. God, how could he have done this to them after experiencing Gon’s death for himself? He knew how horrible it was to lose someone you loved. He was an absolute idiot. Now, here he was, about to have to explain himself to the only two people who owned his heart on this earth. </p>
<p>He wanted to flop back down and go back to sleep, but he knew if he did that he may never be able to explain himself. So he braced himself to explain the inexplicable. He didn't want to see Gon or Alluka cry, but he knew that they were going to. Dread filled his stomach as he lay there waiting for Gon to wake up. </p>
<p>After what seemed like an eternity, yet what was probably only a few minutes, Gon woke up. He rubbed his eyes for a few moments, like a child. When he finally looked up, he seemed surprised to see him awake. "Killua!" he cried, immediately rushing forward to hug him. </p>
<p>"Ow," Killua said involuntarily. </p>
<p>Instantly, Gon sprang back and started apologizing profusely. Alluka, woken up by the sound of Gon's voice, perked up. "Hey, big bro." </p>
<p>"Hi, Alluka," he said, his voice cracking, "I'm sorry." He turned to Gon, "I'm so so sorry." </p>
<p>"It's not your fault you were attacked, Killua!" he said. Killua's heart sank. He assumed they already knew why he was here. </p>
<p>"Attacked? Gon, wh-" Alluka started. </p>
<p>"Alluka, can you go get some coffee for us?" Killua asked. </p>
<p>Alluka, still giving Gon a look of complete and utter confusion, nodded and walked out of the room. </p>
<p>After she was gone, Gon looked at him quizzically. God, he was going to have to spell this out for him. "I," he stopped, then started again, "I wasn't attacked." </p>
<p>"What do you mean?" asked Gon, his eyes darkening. </p>
<p>"I did this to myself," he said, watching as Gon's hands turned into fists. </p>
<p>"You, what?" his voice was calm and quiet. It was the scariest thing Killua had ever heard. "Why the fuck would you do that?" This time his voice cracked. Killua flinched, like he expected Gon to hit him. But he didn't, and wouldn't. Killua knew to expect better things from Gon than from his family. After a few moments of silence, he looked back up at Gon and saw tears running down his face. </p>
<p>“Come here,” Killua said, holding out his arms, wincing as he did so. Gon, surprisingly, leaned against him gently and buried his head in his neck. He let out some of the most heartbreaking sobs that Killua had ever heard. </p>
<p>“Why?” he sobbed. </p>
<p>“I was just-” I didn’t want to lose you again. I didn’t want any more pain. He cleared his throat,<br/>“I just felt like that was the only option.” He let out another heartbreaking sob into his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Please if you’re ever feeling like that again just talk to me, please Killua, please. I know it's not easy for you, but just tell me, or Alluka, or somebody, anybody.” </p>
<p>“I’ll try, I promise.” </p>
<p>“Thank you.” </p>
<p>They stayed like that until the Alluka came back with their coffee, then Gon stepped out to hunt down some chocolate for Killua. Alluka curled into a ball next to Killua and played with his hair. They stayed silent for the most part. Most of the tears were on his side, not hers. He was surprised she was taking this so well. “Are you okay, Alluka?” It seemed like a dumb question, but also an important one. </p>
<p>“No, dummy. But I will be,” she said, taking a deep breath to fortify herself, “You should start seeing a therapist.” </p>
<p>“What? Why?” Alluka gave him a pointed glare. “Alright, but only because you asked so nicely,” he said sarcastically, hoping to get a smile out of her. It worked. </p>
<p>They sat talking about nothing and everything for a while before Gon appeared with a motherload of chocolate loaded up in his arms. As they sat there feasting themselves on chocolate, he felt like maybe everything was going to be okay.</p>
<p>*** </p>
<p>A few hours later he heard a familiar shrill voice in the hallway, one that he hadn’t heard in over three years. </p>
<p>His mother’s.</p>
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